"Wait and See"

"We'll just have to wait and see." I have heard that expression too many times in the past two days. I hate having to 'wait and see'. Okay, so the past few days have been rough. Emily has had her first little setback and although it is a minor setback any setback at this point means she has to stay in the hospital longer. I can't bear the thought! We had been doing so well with breathing and feedings I was almost ready to pinch myself just to see if everything was real. Then Sunday night we had a slight turn for the worse with our feedings. Emily was up to an ounce per feeding with a calorie supplement adding an additional two calories to each feeding. We didn't do so well with the changes having loose stools, a distended abdomen and a residual of 9 ccs after her midnight snack (a residual is how much milk they can pull back out of the gavage tube right before her next feeding... basically how much milk she was unable to digest). By the next morning her tummy was hard and she had "abdominal loops" (actual loops in her intestines, it looked and felt like she had swallowed marbles). The neonatologist was called in and all feedings stopped until he could get over to the hospital to check her out. An x-ray was ordered to check the loops and the supplemental calories were stopped. Basically I was told that Emily was not ready for this next step and we needed to 'wait, let her catch up and see what happens from here'... ugh! Today Emily's girth still shows a distended abdomen but thankfully God answered my prayers yet again and the abdominal loops are gone. The neonatologist ordered an increase in milk volume so we can still get a few extra calories without having to add the calorie supplement. His plan is to "wait and see what happens." Emily has not done well today with this change either, she spits up quite a bit of her milk during each feeding and has a residual of 2-3 ccs after each feed. Also, she seems restless and has been making these sad little faces like she is hurting. This afternoon when I was holding her she kept making a pitiful little groaning sound. Her temperature had gone up when Wayne and I were with her tonight and I know she isn't feeling well. I am worried about what tomorrow has in store for us. We have been told that the next two weeks would be our slow time.... Emily just needs to eat and grow before we can move on to the hard stuff. Now I am discouraged that her feedings aren't going as planned which means we are not eating and growing, which means the hard stuff is now even further away. If we can't make it over this mole hill how will we climb the mountain? I know the answer to my own question... with faith as small as a mustard seed... yet still feel discouraged and overwhelmed. Emily hasn't gained an ounce in the past four days and still has a lot of catching up to do just to make it back up to her birth weight! Please pray specifically for her feedings and for the doctors as we are in this 'wait and see' holding pattern.

Please don't take my discouragment as anything more than a little discouragement. I spoke with a friend the other day that had twins born at 24 weeks weighing in at 1 lb. and 1 lb. 5 oz. They were in the hospital until they were 61/2 months and 10 months. I cried with my friend as she relived her nightmare with me, telling me of all the times they got calls in the middle of the night to get up to the hospital because one of the babies was about to die. She told me of countless conversations with doctors about how her babies would be mentally retarded and not be able to function in the world. Our conversation made me count my blessings and then count them all over again! I will admit this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through... if only I could have those kidney stones again... but the Lord is going to see me through. And I praise him that Emily was born at thirty weeks and not any earlier. It would have been a whole new wait and see game then. I was rejoicing and praising God for each new day and gained strength for Emily but now that we have hit a plateau, I feel Satan creeping in. My guilt over Emily's early arrival is overwhelming me. I can't hush the voices in mind... the what if I hadn't gone to Target that one time to buy Lila something, what if I hadn't walked down to the neighborhood playground the weekend before she was born, etc. etc. The situation is finally really starting to sink in and I am finding myself exhausted, physically and emotionally exhausted, as never before. I went to see my doctor this morning for a blood pressure check (yes, still having problems with high blood pressure). I couldn't stop crying in her office and it wasn't long before she was crying right along with me. Needless to say I left there with a diagnosis of post-partum depression and a prescription for antidepressents. Hopefully I will be back to feeling like myself soon. The past week and a half have been indescribable, full of guilt, fear, chaos, heart wrenching pain and sadness (and that's just the emotional distress). I told Mom and Wayne that I don't like the person I am starting to become. I am tired, I cry at the drop of a hat inconsolably, sometimes for hours, and yesterday I was so grouchy, and hate to admit this weakness, but I lashed out at people I love with words I'm sure stung and hurt the receipents. I know that God is near and he will see me through this trying time but I am still so desperate for his peace. I need to slow down, take time to breathe, but my heart aches for Emily and I long for the days when we are back on track amazing everyone with our steady progress. The NICU nurses are amazing, gentle and kind, but they are not her mother. I need to be there with her, sitting by her isolet, holding her tiny hand, spending time with her skin to skin and loving on her. I need so badly for her to come home and she needs so badly to stay where she can grow and get stronger. Please pray for me to find God's peace and comfort. Pray that my blood pressure will stabilize and pray for my thyroid sono that is scheduled for later this week... I'm not sure I can handle too much more on my plate right now! Kidney stones and gallbladder with Lila, thyroid issues and depression with Emily... having a baby is so much fun!