How can it be that two years have passed since you entered my life and changed me forever? From that very first moment you graced us with your presence I was a goner... there isn't a thing in this world I wouldn't do for you. You have brought so much laughter and happiness to our family, so much so, that I hardly remember the days before my eyes first caught a glimpse of your beauty. You've heard it before and I'm sure this won't be the last time I share with you my thoughts and emotions on the day of your birth. That was the start of a difficult journey that I am so thankful for because those experiences with you, made me who I am today.
I cried when the doctor shared her concerns about your lack of movement inside me and the risks my high blood pressure could cause you. It was all too much to process. I knew it was too early for you to enter this world and was afraid for you. I was scared, and a little angry that my body was failing you...the safest place for you to be was not the safest place for you anymore. I didn't like the decision but you were scheduled to arrive at noon that day. Those next five hours were so hard for me... my heart and my mind were conflicted. I just wanted you to be okay and I couldn't come up with an easy answer as to whether that meant you stayed inside me longer or met the world sooner than you were ready. I did a lot of crying,praying and pleading with God. I asked Him to keep you safe. I didn't know what would happen, but He did. I clung to Jesus Emily, knowing He promised a hope and a future for us all. He answered my prayers and offered me peace. The Neonatologist had to come meet with Daddy and me to explain how your birth would be different, and the assistance you would most likely need to breathe. You would be taken to the NICU shortly after your arrival so you could be evaluated and cared for by specialists. He painted a scary picture of machines, tubes, and wires needed to help sustain your life. I was still very nervous after we spoke with the him and as the hours ticked down to surgery and your birth, I got very scared for you.
Everything was happening so fast, I wasn't even supposed to be there. I didn't have a bag packed or a single item that belonged to me in that hospital room other than the clothes I was wearing when I went in for my doctor's appointment the day before. All those fears subsided as a knock on the door revealed our doctor was able to get out of her training to come deliver you. Do you see how God was in control in all the chaos? She agreed that it was in both our best interests to welcome you early, and assured us we were safe in her hands. So I prepared myself to meet my new little someone and accept whatever might come with your early arrival.
Surgery is always scary for me but when I looked at your Daddy in that operating room my heart broke. He had spent the past few hours trying to be strong for me but in that moment your Daddy's face showed so much love, worry and concern for his new baby girl. You arrived with a determination to cry and that sweet beautiful little squeak was the moment I knew you were a fiesty one, a fighter, and no matter how long the journey, you would be just fine in the end. So many lessons have come my way through a sweet, plucky, little wide eyed wonder! You have so much spirit and bravery, and although it gets you in a little bit of trouble today, I love you so much for showing it that first day.
The NICU was a long journey. I did not travel that road with as much grace as I could have, I struggled with every little bit of the process. I longed to hold you in my arms but you were so fragile and couldn't maintain your body temperature so I wasn't allowed to do more than hold your little fingers and tiny toes. I sat by your isolet and talked to you, prayed over you, and told you all about your big sister, your Daddy and me. I told you my dreams for you and promised you the world. Sometimes all I could do was just sit there and cry next to you. Lila colored pictures for you, shared her soft elephant rattle with you, and let me take her picture so you could at least see her precious smile and feel her love for you. Aunt Summer bought you a pink lovie and I brought your softest blankets for your little bed. It wasn't long before your section of the NICU was decorated as if we were having a party. You had so many pictures, letters, scriptures, banners, and trinkets that your whole family sent to you as a sign of their love and support. I am so thankful for the doctors and nurses who were in charge of your care at the hospital. They took care of our whole family as those long weeks were emotionally and physically exhausting on us all. Mimi stayed with us the whole time you were in the hospital and helped me take care of Lila and sit with you when I didn't want you to be alone. We celebrated each little ounce you gained and every milestone reached on your journey towards home. It was a very difficult time for us all and I never felt my heart was fully in one place as I tried to be the best mommy I could to both of my girls. The day I was discharged from the hospital and had to leave you behind was the worst day of my entire life. But I've come to realize that our limitation is God's opportunity. I got all the way to the end of my rope and there wasn't anything else I could do but ask Him to give me the strength, courage and faith to make it through those dismal days.
Sitting by your isolet and taking it every detail of you made me feel secure in God's love and mercy. I would just sit and watch you fill those lungs with air. Each breath was a constant reminder of God's faithfulness. I marveled at your beauty, each teeny tiny perfect detail. You recognized the sound of my voice and would try to turn your little head as if to reassure me you knew I was your mommy and that you felt every bit of my love for you. It was so sweet. Little by little you grew stronger. I could hold you, change your diaper, and sit with you while they fed you through a tube in your nose. I learned to take care of you and got to take your temperature, change your clothes and even got to bathe you one night... you were so delicate, so tiny, and I was so nervous! And little by little I started changing as well. Sometimes to touch us, God touches someone that is close to us. This is what opens our eyes to God and all His wonderful blessings.. unfailing love, a tank full of faith, amazing grace, and incredible mercy. As God worked on you, physically making you stronger, He was also at work in me, changing my heart, teaching me to trust Him, opening my eyes to the full extent of His faith, grace, and mercy. I marvel at the intricate tapestry of God's providence and know without a doubt we can overcome whatever comes our way in this life if we continue to cling to Him.
There were many more lessons learned in the two years that have passed. You've taught me that two sisters can be total opposites. That when two little monkeys are jumping on the bed, one just might fall off and break her leg...but also that anything is possible, and you proved that by learning to walk with a pretty pink cast on your leg. Lessons that not every child gives up an afternoon nap before their second birthday (hallelujiah!), that some kids would prefer a prune over candy, and that if a big sister calls her little sister "Enemy" because she can't pronounce her "l" just right, that little sister just might be true to her name, and learn very quickly how to fight back!
Oh, sweet girl, you have been a blessing and a marvel since the day I learned you were growing inside me. You are the true definition of plucky...having or showing courage, bravery, determination, cheerfulness, spunk, and spirited. You have met each new hurdle with grace and determination and you are doing marvelous. We are so very proud of you! You fill our days with laughter and fun. You are a cuddler and never turn down a hug or a kiss. You run to the door when Daddy gets home from work yelling,"Hold You, Hold You." You continue to amaze us all and make each new day all the sweeter by having you in our lives. We love you to the moon and back and pray God's loving arms will forever be wrapped around you guiding your course and protecting your way. Happy, Happy, Birthday Baby!
I Love You SO Very Much,
Mommy
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