Catching Up

"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures."
-Amazing Grace

So many things have happened in the last few weeks. So much that I guess I am just now starting to "catch up" so to speak. We've completed the testing on Emily that we've been waiting so many months to have done, she's had her surgery, we've been out of town, spent wonderful time with family, and are now home and settling back in our every day life. Maybe it's the fact that now things are slowing down and I have time to process all the thoughts, feelings and fears of the past month, or maybe it's that I cleaned out my diaper bag today and found the program to a dear man's funeral, a man that was a great source of encouragement to us during Emily's early days. I'm not sure why I am soaking in all these feelings today of all days but I have just once again been reminded of how amazing life is. How amazing and precious our days on this earth are. How fast they go by. How quickly our children grow. How we are always one doctor's appointment away from devastating news. Through one storm and bracing ourselves for the next. One day closer to the end. One day closer to our prize.

I guess I just don't want to be guilty of ever taking it for granted. I want to celebrate each day and thank God every chance I get for the blessings he continues to wrap us in. My refrigerator is still full of pictures of Emily in the NICU. Today at lunch Lila was looking at them and asked me if Emily was sick. I didn't know what she was talking about at first but Lila pointed to the pictures and my heart welled up with emotion at the remembrance of Emily supported by machines to breathe and eat. Machines to help her live. They've been there for a year now so I really don't give them a second glance anymore. They have just become part of the fridge. Lila caused me to stop and remember and be grateful and thankful for the miracle of Emily. The miracle of all life really, as my nieces' and nephew's pictures are on there as well.

But what really gets me is how I've forgotten. How could I have let things cloud my memory of that agonizing, beautiful, precious time? Week after week of desperate, helpless feelings? I felt them all so strongly when Emily was born. The intense desire to have her healthy and home. The way that each day felt like a week. The joy and celebration that came with each gram of weight gained and every little cc that was added and tolerated with Emily's feedings. The way my heart felt so heavy, yet so grateful. All the many feelings and emotions I had to experience in order for God to draw me closer to Him... to change me...get me through to this other side. To make me the new, more obedient, faithful and trusting me. We've just gone through a BIG year. There have been too many doctor's appointments to count. Too many appointments with bad news and SO many answered prayers for healing.

I'm glad that God worked through Lila to remind me today. I need to remember. He forever changed me with the experiences and journey we walked and I don't want to get so caught up with life that I slump back into that person again. The person I was before. For now I truly know, I've seen, I've felt and experienced God's faithfulness and I don't want to be the old me again. All afternoon the words from Amazing Grace have been going through my mind. If it weren't for His grace where would we be...